THIS IS HAPPENING. 

In honor of yesterday’s superbowl, we decided to dedicate this KFM: C to the nebulous dish that is cheese dip. Just to be clear, this isn’t called spread ‘em because you eat cheese dips at a fun super bowl party. This is called spread ‘em because 21% of football players have been arrested/convicted of a crime. Spread ‘em honors the wonderful policemen who so diligently search the anal cavities of these athletically gifted athletes. Proceeds from this KFM: C will go to the Police Academy, so that the police will stay in school longer and stop pulling me over for reckless driving while eating cheese at the wheel. 

The Contenders:

Cheese Fondue

Wet. Dripping. Glistening. Weirdly good with pickles. Obviously I’m talking about cheese fondue. God, you’re so disgusting. Get off the internet and wash your eyes out with soap! In the meantime, keep in mind that cheese fondue is often a mix of cheeses and seasonings, along with white wine, melted. 

Saganaki

No, this is not a Japanese word for “that man stole my purse!”. Saganaki is a Greek cheese SET ON FIRE in a pan and garnished with lemon juice, pepper, and a cigarette for when you finish. “What kind of cheese?” you ask, before you let me fucking finish? It’s often times feta, or other similar cheeses. 

Seven Layer Dip

Yes, yes, yes. Cheese is giving the assist in this dip, comprised of seven layers of unreal mexican mouth love. BUT without cheese this would be a six layer dip, and we all know that’s fucking pointless. 

The Verdict

Kill: Saganaki. No, I’m not anti-Greek. Even though they are currently being controlled by a Neo-Nazi party, and even though Nia Vardalos can’t make another good movie after My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I still love their cuisine. It’s just that, well - okay, this is gonna sound crazy. I loved Greece’s non-cheese dishes. Their hummus. Their babaganoush. Their falafel. I have gotten so used to the lactose lacking food of the Mediterranean that I have no use for it now. 

Fuck: Seven Layer Dip. MEXICAN FOOD. MEXICAN FOOD. MEXICAN FOOD. Other than Black Tar Heroin, Mexico’s food is the best export they’ve got going for them. With so many layers, you know you’ve got a ton of possible positions combinations. Just graze the top of those 7 layers for some cheese foreplay. Dig a little deeper and hit the cheese and olive combo. Really get into it and taste those 7 layers. Get dirty. Get some of it on your fingers. Yeah, get it! Then back on out, and just hit the top layer one more time. Just to show it who’s boss. 

Marry: Cheese Fondue. As a child, my best friend’s family would take me to a fancy Fondue restaurant in the San Fernando Valley. The waiters were all French, and the cheese fondue was positively life-changing. Then I took my whole family there for my birthday, and everyone except me experienced crippling diarrhea. It is because Fondue roots for me - and only me - that I shall always root for it, as well. 

Attention, cheese lovers! There is a traitor in our midst, a product that goes by the name of “cheese” but destroys everything and everyone it touches. According to the dependable and heavily fact-checked website Wikipedia, cheese is,” a heroin-based recreational drug made by combining heroin with crushed tablets of certain over-the-counter cold medication, such as Tylenol PM”.

As you can see in this image emailed to us from an actual DEA agent, “cheese” does in fact look like a mediocre crumbly cheese. This is a message to all heroin dealers who are also tumblr enthusiasts (so probably all heroin dealers): call it “old pizza hut parmesan”, call it “back alley cotija”, call it whatever you want. But you better make sure that you tell your consumers it IS NOT cheese. In this day and age when local, artisan food is all the rage, I may or may not stop at a ghetto street corner mini pop-up farmer’s market and pick up some homemade “cheese” from a hoodie-sporting purveyor. I may or may not then try to consume that cheese lying naked in my bed on a sandwich. I may or may not fall into a tailspin of disappointment and despair, discovering that instead of irritating my bowels with lactose I’ve shredded my insides with some drug cocktail invented by bored middle schoolers in Texas.

But enough about me and my mistakes on a Sunday afternoon. This cheese is a LIE. This cheese is a FAKER. This cheese will never be included in KFM: C unless we turn this website into KFM: D. Kill, Fuck, Marry: Drugs. Which we won’t.

And for the record, if we did turn it into KFM: D, I’d marry Jenkum. DON’T ASK ME WHAT IT IS - LOOK IT UP YOURSELF, LAZYPANTS!

This message brought to you by Carl, aka our DEA agent friend, aka Wendy’s employee of the Month for two straight months.

Twas the Night Before Christmas - this version not suitable for lactose intolerants.

Twas the  night before christmas and all through the house,

Two creatures were stirring - neither one with a spouse.

The baked brie split open as each sat in a chair

They had run out of crackers, but they didn’t care.

The girls each cut a wedge as they trundled to bed,

With visions of cheesy eggs dancing in each girl’s head.

As Liz took a bite and said, “what is this crap?”

Logan showed her the wrapper nestled in her cellulite lap.

For she hadn’t tasted and she asked, “what’s the matter?”

They saw the terror, “Baked Brie that won’t make you fatter!”

The plate and the cheese fell to the floor with a crash

The diet cheese they bought in error caused both to be rash

As each lady dropped their napkins and started to sob

Atop their roof they heard a hoof-weilding mob

For Santa and his sleigh had at long last arrived

With enough fatty cheese to keep both girls alive

So before you lay cookies out on Christmas night

Santa loves cheddar, so fucking do it right. 

:::The Christmas Contenders:::

Baked Brie

Fun fact: there is no wikipedia page for baked brie. Trust me, we looked for it. What cheese experts/fat people tell us is that a traditional baked brie consists of a) Brie, b) something sweet like raspberry jam, honey, or your mother after sex, and c) puff pastry. Sometimes its also stuffed with nuts - again this can apply to the baked brie or your mom. 

Cheese Ball

If you’re from the South, you’re probably reading this on your cousin-husband’s lap and exclaiming, “I love that there cheeseball! Hot dang!”. If you are not from the South, let us paint a picture with our words: a cheeseball is a combination of cheddar cheese and cream cheese, with various spices and seasonings. The outside is kissed with a layer of chopped, salted pecans. Sometimes fucking Paula Dean people add bacon or other meats. 

Goat Cheese and Cranberry Log

This one is self-explanatory. Goat cheese. Cranberries. There. We still explained it even though it is self-explanatory. Merry Christmas.

Logan’s Verdict

Kill: Goat Cheese and Cranberry Log. First of all, I’m the only one that is allowed to be called, “Log” around these here parts. Secondly of all, as a child my mother used to make me jam and cream cheese sandwiches - and then crush medication in them. To this day a sweet cheese combo harkens back to those days of yore, when I would ingest a chalky pill and cheese sandwich and wonder why I was suddenly so sleepy.

Fuck: Cheeseball. Apparently cheeseball is not one word. Apparently cheeseballs are the opposite of classy, inviting ridicule from food connoisseurs and friends alike. I say, to hell with convention! I love cheddar, I love nuts, I love creamy smooth cheddarnuts collecting in the corners of my cheese hole mouth. However, I can’t elope with the cheeseball, as there’s something hotter waiting for me on the horizon.

Marry: Bake Brie. First, let me rebut (yes that’s a word) all the h8ers out there who are screaming, “YOU SAID YOU HATED SWEET CHEESE YOU LYING, FLIPFLOPPING WHORE!”. I hate sweet, creamy cheese. Not hot, melted, just out of the oven with a collection of near-boiling jam nestled in a pastry-condom cheese. If I’m ever at a white house correspondence dinner, or the Playboy Mansion, or any other place that is likely to have a fancy baked cheese appetizer to entice it’s guests, you better believe I’m gonna shove that wheel in my purse to eat with my hands on the drive home. 

Elizabeth’s Verdict

Kill: Cheeseball. Okay, so I’ve never actually eaten a cheeseball before, and I know I should give it a chance. But I feel quite strongly that a soft cheddar would not agree with my personal cheese values. Namely that cheddar, should never be soft. NEVER! Cheddar offers an intense, tangy flavor, which, if consumed in a mushy, room temperature ball, would require me to try my hand (or longest middle finger) at bulimia. The deceiving crumbly nut covering is just a disguise for the lactose poison beneath. THE CHEESEBALL MUST DIE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHEESE EATERS! 

Woah there, racist Rita! Before you call Liz and I out on using a derogatory term, read the whole post.

With our last couple KFM: C’s, we’ve really taken a ride on the cheese continuum. We’ve tried international cheeses, fancy ass cheeses, foods with cheese, even dessert cheese. We know that variety is the spice of life, and cheese is the semen of gourmet cookery, so we had to think outside of the box and bring you a KFM that was truly 

The truth is, Elizabeth and I are white. And what do white people love, besides soft guitar music and foreign films? 

They love classy parties. They love getting together, nibbling off of a cheese plate,sipping a handle of bacardi wine spritzers, and playing charades. But normally those cheese plates at those white people parties have water crackers. Let me just stop for a second and break that down. People are willingly ingesting a cracker, where the flavor is described as “water”. They are putting the holiest of holeys - cheese (see what I did there) - on something that tastes like NOTHING. Which got us thinking, what crispy crunchy device would be the ultimate cheese wingman? A requirement: it would have to taste like cheese. 

The Contenders

Cheetos

At first glance this picture was fantastic until I realized she was holding some offbrand fucking cheese puffs. I thought the world deserved to see this picture, and then taste the real glory of an acual cheeto. Well not taste, because you’re looking at a computer screen. Unless Japan has already invented something for that. 

Goldfish

“The only snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off “- unless you’re a cannibal that forces your victims to grin… too dark for KFM: C?

Cheez-its

AKA my new desktop photo.

Logan’s Verdict

Kill: Cheetos. Not only are cheetos delicious, but every bag comes complete with a penis-shaped cheeto or two. It would be so easy to fuck, or to marry, a cheesy crackery product that was formed specifically for fucking or marrying. But my mom told me when I was little that cheetos dissolve in your intestines and form a massive plug in your colon so that you never poop again. Probably because she wanted me to eat healthy snacks. But you try fucking or marrying a snack that you were told would destroy you from the inside. 

Fuck: Goldfish. First of all, imagine a sperm. Make it shorter. Make it fatter. Make it orange. BAM YOU’RE IMAGINING GOLDFISH. If your mental image of a sperm was already orange, see a doctor immediately.The sexual connotation of the goldfish shape makes said goldfish a perfect fucktoy/snack. I can’t marry it, but not because I don’t love it. I just love someone else more.

Marry: Cheez-its. Goldfish and Cheetos will often pepper their bags with phrases like “flavor blasted!” or “dangerously cheesy”. Guess who doesn’t need to do that? Guess who is so strong in personality and cheesy flavor, that he can just be confident as himself without the use of verbal acrobatics? You guessed it - Cheez-its. Yes, I’m referring to Cheez-Its as a he. Because I want to ride off on a noble steed, covered in orange crumbs, reveling in the glory that is cheez-its. Also: everything is cooler when its spelled with a z. Just ask these guys.

I know, I know. We disappeared again. Much like my stomach’s experience when eating lactose, you probably reached your breaking point and are ready to explode. We spent the summer in cheese rehab, trying new treats and exploring new places. The hilights? Elizabeth went to Italy and ingested a cheese entitled “1000 day old Gouda”. We’ll let you wipe the drool of your keyboard and change your underpants before we move on. Logan went to Israel - where they served no less than FIFTEEN types of cheese at breakfast (she counted). She is also making her own cheese. More on this later. All in all, we have a plethora of KFM:Cs to play with you this Autumn. Let’s get started!

KFM: C - It’s So Sweet Edition

Fall means sweaters and crunchy leaves. Translation: fall means layers of clothing to cover up new fat deposits, and the sounds of dry leaves to hide one’s out-of-shape panting and blubber wobbling. In conclusion, fall is perfect cheese eating weather. But we aren’t your average, one-note cheese consumers. We don’t just pile it on sandwiches, pastas, and our naked bodies pizza. We also sneak it in dessert, which brings us to our contenders!

Cream Cheese Frosting

AKA the reason you shove carrot cake or red velvet cake in your mouth. The cake is like the ugly chick at the bar that you have to talk to in order to get to her cute, cream cheese friend.

Cheesecake

You should know what this is. Everyone knows what this is. Even someone kidnapped as a child and forced into chains in a basement with no windows and no door and no running water would see this picture with their eyes distorted from years of darkness and say, “Oh, cool - cheesecake!”.

Cannoli

These are included because a. they feature sweetened ricotta cheese, and b. they look like little Italian penises. Speaking of Italian penis, disclaimer: Elizabeth is dating a man from Pizzapastaland, so it could make her biased. But will it? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

Kill: Cream Cheese Frosting- I understand that people get worked up about cream cheese frosting for a number of reasons, namely because it isn’t that sugary and tasteless mess you usually get with your run-of-the-mill Ralph’s/Vons birthday cake (or in that tin can which you eat out of with your bare hands). However, in comparison with the following two cheese filled desserts a little cream-cheese stuck in my frosting doesn’t move my insides quite like the others. 

After four years of cheese eating, cheese-induced indigestion, and a peppering of studying, Elizabeth and I have graduated from college. We felt it was time that this site went through a transition as well. Instead of simply offering our takes on the cornucopia of cheeses which we shove in our faces, we now present:

Kill, Fuck, Marry: Food with Cheese.

The Contenders:

Pizza

Quesadilla

Mac n’ Cheese

Elizabeth’s Verdict:

Kill: Quesadilla. I would have to disagree with my partner on this one. Although a good Mexican meal makes me warm in all the right places, the quesadilla is not as high up there on my list as other cheese accompanied edibles. It is a basic combination of tortilla and my baby, however it does not reach the complexities as our other two competitors. In this threesome it must be slain.

Fuck: Mac N’ Cheese. Mac N’ Cheese is a dish that runs a continuum from “why is my poop orange” to “oh my good that gooey substance on my pants might not be cheese but a reaction to this celestial combination of pasta and gruyere.” Mac N’ Cheese can take me to higher places however can easily go wrong. Mushy pasta and disgusting packets of things they call “cheese” lead to high probabilities of inedible or just okay mac n’ cheese. Therefore we can only take part in a little S&M with M’NC.

Marry:  Pizza. I am currently living in the pizza capital of the world…and there is no doubt that any pizza is good pizza. Pizza is dependable and trustworthy: IT WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN. As thick or thin the crust is, as cheesy or saucey this pizza may be, YOU CANNOT DENY IT IS EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED IN A CHEESE FILLED MEAL. And so it is pizza whom I will marry and run away with into the Tuscan sun (Diane Lane can suck it).

Logan’s Verdict:

Kill: Mac n’ Cheese. I know there are a lot of people who read this and violently threw their computers against a wall in disagreement. If your screen isn’t broken, let me tell you a story that will explain my choice. In the 8th grade, I went backpacking. Someone made me an easymac snack. I proceeded to have the worse gas pains of my life. Mac burned me too hard that night to ever really reignite a fire. 

Fuck: Quesadilla. This relationship has always been quick and dirty. Throw some cheese on a tortilla. Fold that shit. Microwave that shit for thirty seconds. I know there are more high-class ways to do it. But expensive quesadillas with fancy ingredients are really just like hookers dressed up in nice clothes.

Marry: Pizza. Search the depths of your soul, and riddle me this: have YOU ever had bad pizza? Even lukewarm Dominoes at a slumber party is worth the greasy bowel movements it creates. And when it’s good? I think we’ve all had a moment a little bit like this:

So, in conclusion: Cheese is like Justin Timberlake - fantastic on its own, but superb when surrounded by other, lesser elements (read: N’sync). Spread a little JT on some Joey Fatone (a cracker) or shove that Timberwolf into some Lance Bass (stuffed crust pizza). The lowly cracker and the inferior pizza wouldn’t be what they are without the cheese, and the cheese stands as a shining beacon and a courageous warrior on its own. 

Sorry, I just watched game of thrones. My love of cheese is now a fierce patriotism, where Elizabeth and I will rape and pillage every tastebud until the world is enamored with dairy. 

This is a once in a cheese aged lifetime, but in this case, we must share with the world the beautiful creation that is: BUCHERONDIN DE CHEVRE. The name itself “buche” means “log”…so no wonder i love it so much…i love logs. This gem of a cheese originates from the udders of the goat, yet there is just oh so much more to this log of dairy. You know how everyone was really excited to see what kind of alien babies Brad and Angelina would make? Well this is BETTER. BUCHERONDIN DE CHEVRE IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF GOAT CHEESE AND BRIE MADE SWEET SWEET LOVE UNTIL THE EARLY MORN…AND THEN ONE OF THEM GOT PREGNANT AND GAVE BIRTH TO THIS PERFECT MAGICAL DAIRY OFFSPRING. The hard, hard rind surrounds a brie like substance, not too soft, but juuuuustttt right. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. Within this delicious ring of golden brie lies the real treasure. Think the best goat cheese you’ve ever put into your undeserving little (or big) mouth. AND THEN SPIT THAT SHIT OUT BECAUSE THIS IS BETTER. The heart of this “buche” is crumbly and tangy yet spreadable enough to lick off of Enrique Iglesias’ naked body (post-mole removal). I URGE EVERYONE, MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, BEAST TO RUN TO THE NEAREST GROCERY STORE/CHEESE SHOP/WESTSIDE MARKET AND GRAB THIS GOLDEN LACTOSEY GOODNESS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! As you might have noticed we did not kill, fuck OR marry this cheese. That’s because right now we are in a committed relationship with BUCHERONDIN DE CHEVRE. Until the next cheese comes along…

I have a 15 page paper due tomorrow. I have not started it. That means only one thing: stress eating. Stress eating, for me, usually involves a lot of cheese. Shocking, I know. But I wanna talk cheese that will soothe me - not fuck me in the face with flavor. Ergo, bleu can take a backseat this round. We’re gonna take it slow with the dairy-based Xanax we all love: soft cheeses. These are cheeses you don’t even need to chew, people. These are cheeses I can suckle with a straw at 5 AM when I’m the only non-Asian left in the library. It works better than Red Bull, I promise.

The Contenders

Cream Cheese

In the movie “Philadelphia”, Tom Hanks is a gay man who dies of AIDS. Philadelphia cream cheese is the exact opposite of that. It brings a smile to my face, it isn’t a venereal disease, and it didn’t play a pseudo-retarded man in “Forrest Gump”. 

Ricotta

The ricotta seen above is served in a classy marble bowl. This is probably how Kanye eats his ricotta. I eat this soft baby out of the container, usually in my underwear standing in front of the refrigerator. Usually hungover. Kanye’s marble bowl can suck it.

Cottage Cheese

I get it. Most people think cottage cheese is gross. Most people think cottage cheese thighs are disgusting. Well, guess what? There are some people on this planet (aka me), who would go to a cottage with cottage cheese and do unspeakable things to it - out of love. Please consider this soft cheese in your KFM.

The Verdict

Kill: Ricotta. Look. This round was tough. Comparing cottage cheese and ricotta cheese is like comparing apples and another type of apple. In the end, however, its like choosing between a Honda and a Ford. The foreign type might be flashy and popular, but I just had to buy American. American being…

Fuck: Cottage Cheese. Did you not read my description of it above? My erotic tie to the CC should be clear. They sell little tubs of it at coffee shops all over my prison college campus, and I can be seen guzzling this bad boy in multiple lecture classes. Sorry, fellow undergrads, but I’m into PDDA. 

Marry: Cream Cheese. Cream cheese had me at one word. One word from cream cheese carried all the hope I have for the future, for the world, and for myself. It took just one word for me to abandon my cottage cheese and my ricotta, and make cream cheese my love forevermore. What was that one word, you ask? 

Bagel.

KFM: C Glossary

PDDA: Public Displays of Dairy Affection. Ex: Shotgunning slices of swiss while waiting for the subway. Tenderly chewing an entire pack of string cheese. Going steady with a couple of balls of mozzarella.